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The Entrapment of Susan Andrews:
Author: masterofm
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(Added on Oct 8, 2008)
(This month 117779 readers) (Total 177543 readers) |
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A trusting naive yet attractive head teacher is first trapped and then trained into a sordid world of submission by a student and his parents. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 11 |
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| 1 |
2 |
3 |
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10 |
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0% |
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18% |
9% |
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18% |
36% |
18% |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (8/10) |
| Average
Rating: (8/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (5/10) |
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Feb 22, 2009 |
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A lot of stories often have me wondering about the envisioned timing the writer had in mind while writing. Take paragraphs 4 to and including 10, for example. After the author catches us completely by surprise with Jason's rant, in what was until then a slowly meandering introduction, for the next 5 paragraphs, we follow the train of thought of Mrs. Andrews, which is well described, but what intrigues me the most, is what is NOT described. My question is: what does Jason do in the silence that follows while Mrs. Andrews is formulating her reply? Is he standing there, foaming at the mouth? Is he whistling a tune? Is he contemplating the screenplay?
Jason's little fuming is not of the kind that awaits a response. Normally, the kid would throw his vile at the head mistress and walk out, because he's done. No need for a reply.
But still, the author has the kid hanging around for no good reason, but for the purpose of being able to let Mrs. Andrews deliver her riposte.
The whole scene speaks of 'bad timing' to me. Most readers will not be bothered in the least by such trivialities, and neither am I. But I wanted to point it out nevertheless, because I myself would have altered Jason's discours in such a way that it would indeed have asked for a reply, which now, it doesn't.
Furthermore, the story is littered with errors, missing words, even whole parts of sentences seem to have gone AWOL.
To make matters worse, the author seems to have concentrated solely on coming-up with nice phrases, instead of telling the reader what's going on in Susan's head. Okay, so Susan's the narrator, but she tells us her story in such a detached manner that it's difficult to have some sympathy for her character, let alone for her situation.
Oh, speaking of situation(s), the whole blackmail thing is (again) so far fetched that it becomes ridiculous. It's not because everything fits inside the author's mind that everything DOES fit.
Shifting the pov from Susan to Jason wasn't a smart move either and all of a sudden having the luminous idea of introducing Susan's assistant as a lecherous nutter is one of those cases whitch comes across so phoney and forced, it hurts the eyes.
I also wonder why the author gave Susan a family. The members are mentioned and Susie goes home every night, but in complete sync with Susan's characterization, the family is sorely missing.
This could have been a tremendous story. It's not.
It's shallow.
The Ideas are okay, the execution sucks. Big time.
JJ (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
Fermi2
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Jan 7, 2009 |
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During the pony race it would have really made it for me if they'd have shoved dildoes up the ponies ass with long wigs to simulate pony tails! (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 1, 2008 |
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hope there is more to be added (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
jkim
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Nov 1, 2008 |
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Mmmmm, the belly chain, the indication of future humiliating piercings, etc...very exciting! More!!!!!!, please (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
johhny
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 16, 2008 |
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You have the basis of a good original yarn and there not too many of those, so I hope you keep it going. Also Have to here with 'mikeuk reader',It takes time and effort to compose and write a story so dont get despondent about pointless negative views from the wallflowers (10/10)
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- Replied by:
johhny
(Edit) (Oct 16, 2008)
- should of course said 'have to AGREE with mikeuk reader'
- Replied by:
Curtis
(Edit) (Nov 8, 2008)
- Negative reviews are not always pointless. SirPat45 and I both made valid points. I don't know what you mean by 'wallflower'. Telling someone they're doing a great job when they are not is the same kind of enabling that's turning today's children into megalomaniacal egotists. Someone should be praised for doing well (which masterofm did not in this instance) and politely and constructively corrected when they do not. If it isn't pointed out when someone makes mistakes, how can we expect them to learn and do better?
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| Reviewer:
Curtis
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 15, 2008 |
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Contrary to what mike says in response to SirPat's review, there are some grammar problems and MANY comma punctuation mistakes — probably more mistakes than commas used correctly. Commas can be tricky things, though, and with the help of a good style sheet or proofer this should come around. I didn't notice any spelling errors, but there were some odd random capitalizations.
Technical problems aside, this story just didn't grab my attention. Perhaps the misspellings were in the parts I skimmed over. (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
SirPat45
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 13, 2008 |
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It was a good start. I think the writer would do better if he gets someone to proff read for spelling and grammer. I am looking forward to more chapters. (6/10)
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- Replied by:
mike uk reader
(Edit) (Oct 17, 2008)
- I'm pleased like myself you are looking foreward to more chapters and the story being a good start.
Your comments regarding bad spelling and grammer are in my opinion completely unfounded and not necessary. It cost you nothing to log into the BDSM Library, likewise the authors put alot of effort into entertaining you again for nothing.
I note this is your first review to any story on this site and assure you there are quite a few that should have had a proffer.
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| Reviewer:
mike uk reader
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 10, 2008 |
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I have had the pleasure of reading and reviewing very many stories placed onto the BDSM library site for a good many years now and I can honestly say the start of this one is without any doubt one of the best in months.
The new author to the site has the fabulous ability of not rushing his writing coupled with much attention throughout to detail.
I must confess I personally love erotic fiction that has both a male and female dominating the captive victim to the fullest possible for their delighted gratification.
"Masterofm",Please let's have more soon and not waiting weeks for the next parts added.
I send my best wishes to you along with my highest rating. Waiting in much anticipation. (10/10)
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| Reviewer:
alaventure
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 10, 2008 |
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Good setup, believable, go for it. (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
woolfighter
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 9, 2008 |
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Very good timing. Can't wait to read more (9/10)
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| Reviewer:
slutkn
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 9, 2008 |
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I am looking forward to what happens to Susan; the nastier the better (8/10)
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