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Slave Mother
Author: A J Mister
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(Added on May 18, 2006)
(This month 111215 readers) (Total 157879 readers) |
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How I turned my mother into, a dirty slave, and the ways I would use her |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 5 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (5.5/10) |
| Average
Rating: (5.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (7/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
mkemse
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 25, 2006 |
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good start but they way it is written it is hard to tell if this will continue or not
Also it would have eben a nice touch in part 2 to detail what se was wearing all iy says was real sexy, that could be anything if she is ogoing to that Trucker Bar the reader might want to know what she has on to make her look like a slut or whore (7/10)
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- Replied by:
ajmister
(Edit) (May 18, 2006)
- Actually there was one more paragraph that I decided to delete, to see whether or not there was interest, in reading about more of my adventures with Mom.
- Replied by:
ajmister
(Edit) (May 25, 2006)
- hmm, wonder if you want to read part 3, or maybe I should stop this story right now
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| Reviewer:
La Toya
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 21, 2006 |
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As this was the first it was not bad. I think this would have been better, if it was a longer story. (but that me and to each his/her own) (5/10)
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- Replied by:
ajmister
(Edit) (May 22, 2006)
- thanks, for your thoughts, don't know if I have a long enough attention span to write longer stories
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| Reviewer:
Dee Driscoll
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 19, 2006 |
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Hm, quick, dirty and messy. A lot of ground is covered in a short space of only 13 kb. From being a wee nipper stroking his best buddy to dirty magazine images to being a married adult with kids and all that time raping and humiliating a mother who doesn't seem to have any personality at all... On one hand, the choice of techniques and humiliations as well as the relentless pace of the story (no exposition - all action) do produce some sense of excitement and fun but the story is ultimately let down by what was already mentioned. Namely no characters and lack of care for detail.
As a rule, stories are more immersive when there is more attention to detail, not necessarilly long descriptions but careful fingerpainting of the most imortant features of an environment/ situation/ person that makes them feel 'real', 'alive', 'immersive' or simply convincing.
That said, idea that these characters are not worth caring about is, in my mind very wrong. Without grounds for identification with either the victim or the tormentor, there is little interest in the reader to actually care for the story. The plot is not terribly imaginative, the language is simple, so if the characters are actually just 'cardboard cutouts', who cares? If the story was playing the nihilistic card and demonstrating just why these people don't deserve caring about, that would be fair play, but it simply doesn't bother to engage itself with characters at all.
The narrator speaking in all caps all the time is self defeating. By the end he sounds like a Maddox-style parody and I don't think that was the intent.
The grammar and odd pacing could also be criticised but could also be viewed as conscious aesthetic choices. If the story was deeper in terms of detail and more developed in terms of characters (think Hubert Selby), I wouldn't mind these two things. But as it is, um, I do... (5/10)
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- Replied by:
ajmister
(Edit) (May 19, 2006)
- wow, what a long review, almost as long as my story, and not near as interesting
- Replied by:
Dee Driscoll
(Edit) (May 20, 2006)
- Hahaha, I see my reference to Maddox was not ungrounded.
- Replied by:
ajmister
(Edit) (May 20, 2006)
- Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the time you took to read the story and then provide a well thought out review, but to me this kind of story is far more interesting without a bunch of boring narrative and set up. If I was writing a great novel my approach would be different. but these stories are meant to excite and move the reader, and like a good action film, one wants to limit the "slow" parts. Make no mistake though, one who takes the time to review a story in detail like you did, is very impressive, whether or not I agree with you.
- Replied by:
Dee Driscoll
(Edit) (May 22, 2006)
- It's all good. I mean, I reread my review and I think I pointed out important ways to make your story much more engaging/ exciting and I guess arousing for someone like me, without necessarilly ruining it's good sides - the short format, the pace and the sense of filth. Of course, whether you choose to ignore all of my comments or dwell on them is entirely up to you. I certainly don't expect you to see them as holy scriptures. So, as I said, having characters that feel more 'real' (convincing) in a more immersive environment would enhance the arousal factor we presumably get from the descriptions of violent sexual deeds, rather than detract from it. But that's my opinion only.
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| Reviewer:
C_Lakewood
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 18, 2006 |
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I agree with Rocky's comments and would also add
that "A J Mister" should learn how to use quote
marks, should improve his math (the mother would
have been 50, not 47, in the last part of the
story -- 35+3+12=50), and spend some time and
effort in developing the characters into people
that we might actually care about (rather than
these cardboard cut-outs). (4/10)
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- Replied by:
ajmister
(Edit) (May 18, 2006)
- As I indicated in my reply to Rocky, some mistakes where just that, the age was not.Since it was my first post, I wanted to see if people actually read these stories carefully, or just skimmed over them. My use of quote marks, and caps, will not change. And as for caring for the characters, I didn't know you were such a sensitive guy. The point being, of course, is that these kind of people don't deserve to be cared for.
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| Reviewer:
Rocky
(Edit) |
Rating: |
May 18, 2006 |
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The author apparently used a spell checker, but forgot that words don't have to be misspelled to be incorrect. "She so me?" I think she "saw" him didn't she? And they're "beets," not "beats." That, and what's with all the caps every time the protagonist speaks? My suggestion: Give it another try, and this time use one of the editors available on the site. (5/10)
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- Replied by:
ajmister
(Edit) (May 18, 2006)
- I appreciate, the time you spent, obviously reading the story carefully, the mistakes you found indeed were mistakes, and simply sloppy proof reading, I don't as a rule use a spell checker.
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